breaking a pretence

Monday, January 3, 2011 7:46 AM

oh wow. look at how long its been since i've last updated. KHAI QI actually inspired me! lol

okayy. umm i need smth nobody reads anymore. or at least smth people dont tell you they read. sooo, my blog it is(:

hi blog, long time no see.

the last time i blogged was like during os i think, like before th geog paper.

since then i just tumblred. so im back

because i need a place to let go.

something's eating me up inside.

and unlike other things, quite a few people actually know why.

Im not me anymore.

I tell people whts wrong.

Simply because it hurts and i just dont know wht else to do.

and no, its not a good thing. it means im not fucking me. so fuck it. oh faggot fuck.

I've put myself in a vulnerable position,

a dangerous one;

months back. when i decided to let go, and trust.

no, i dont regret.

only that when you come to think about it,

it just hurts.

but was it worth it?

yea. definitely/ but still

it hurts.

and now i may have very well physically hurt myself than do this.

nobody has the right to change someone.

nobody has the right to tell someone that's not what youre supposed to do.

nobody has the right to say that's what i dont like about you, so change it.

maybe it wasnt said directly. maybe it was indirect. but it was done anyway.

and damn it, you dont have the right to do this. to walkaway. to leave. to decide its over. (is it? well, you left me clueless either way)

but you did it anyway didnt you?

i'm left with nothing. maybe you didnt leave me with nothing

but look at it straight--i'm still left with nothing.

well, nothing but this something that hurts. that's painful, tht's agonising, that's excruciatingly oh fucking pain.

this is rage.

it is an outcome, a result of being hurt.

and typing it out doesnt change anything.

it doesnt change the "what it could have been" thought

it doesnt change the longing hope that it all soon be over; that you'll return/

and it doesnt change this painful soul

so heres to th fake smile.

the mask.

the facade.

its back.

say hi.

you want to decode?

go ahead, try.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010 5:53 AM

NOBODY DOES IT THE WAY WE DO

MONDAY WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY HOLIDAYS:DD
iloveyouBMPTK(:

//even if it takes an eternity of persuasion, i wouldnt let you go.

i guess i just feel very protective of them

dont ask me why, it just took years of getting to know

you'll get th answer right.

next time, you dont even have to think about it.

you wont be let down

nobody will. i promise, as long as its in my hands.

i'll continue to pray, i'll continue to seek god's help.

im just afraid tht fear will run up by my side,

just as we're about to make it fast.

dont leave me behind

Monday, January 18, 2010 6:13 AM

haii. so everybody waited for years, and so did i.
but i dont see the urge.
i dont feel like saying anth.
i feel like forgeting.
and i shall continue to believe that
" I just havent met you yet "
987 has "make-a-wish-monday today"
i wish i could have smiled genuinely today.
i wish i didnt have to put on tht fake smile evrywhere i go, so i wont offend people.
i wish i could be me.
now that its coming to an end, i begin to think of th start.
recently, i've been constantly reminded about my miserable sec1 years.
and how from then on i was convinced NO ONE would accept me for being me. till now, im only me with 2-3 people in school.
other then tht, you can say, -ive been faking it all the time.
i feel miserable and left out in _____. i hate it.
i wish i could be well accepted like the rest or maybe understand and speak _______.
so what if i write it here, i dont mean to offend.
but no one reads anyway, soo, whatever. k off for the night. bye.

oh and, people, dont be so dumb. if you want to confess, you should've done it 2 years ago. not now, when she's leaving and you know very well tht it'll just cause a heartache. good luck anyway(:

Saturday, January 2, 2010 8:18 AM

okayy. change of mood(:
india pictures!

7:58 AM

it sucks when the person you counted on th most disappoint you just like that:/

it takes just 1 small step to do soo much to a person.
"make do with what you got." i hear myself say alot these days. i guess its time i learn to take my own advice. so thts exactly wht i'll try to do.
despite th fact tht there will still be the slightest part of me tht desires for something else.
too bad, huh?
one of the biggest fears i face:- DISAPPOINTMENT

i can stop running. i get it when its over.
i know how to take th cue when i know its mine.
and thats exactly what i'll do.
so get out of my face and
STOP SAYING YOU DONT FEEL LIKE IT. CAUSE NEITHER DO I.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 3:01 AM

BACK FROM INDIA! -like dontknow how long ago-.- hahah

it was okayylaa. only th snow part was a bit fun and the seeing new lifestyles was interesting. other than tht; got dizzy rides up th himalayas and crazy staring fr people and freezing temperatures
:[ tooo lazzzyy to elaborate,
like anybody will care to read, soo//

anw, life is boring. havent touch my h/w :P except for 1 question :D

NADZIRAH is out of th country D: i think she coming back tmr?? not sure/

im stresssed out in band. cause im practically clueless aft missing pracs. haii
ok. as you know im a v.v.v. lazy person, so wait long long for th india photos ah:D

Wednesday, December 2, 2009 5:39 AM

the KUWS people left on monday):
we went out together then send them off in the airport. will never forget them, had such great fun tgether(: miss them all ready. they've been great teachers and brought great guidance to all of us! tkband>3 kasetsartWS :D

i dont have any pictures of them in my phone except 2 section photos,1 with new and another 1 with some clarinetist. the rest of the pictures i took is in someone out there's phone/camera and i will never get to see it unless im tagged on fb :/ haha

jannah is crazy over new and nadz, over doe! hahah:D i think New is the nicest among th trumpeters! he has a wonderful character tht i only knew of fr th outing on monday.. many cried tht night, when we were sending them off but i didnt. i guess im not good at attaching myself so quickly. but tht doesnt make me heartless. right? ihopenot
idk la..

random: sometimes i always bring myself to wonder whether there is someone out there who believes me, trusts me and knows me better than i know myself and if that person will one day meet me, get to know me and all. i hope so//
i think i've had many awkward moments where im alone with 1 person and there's total silence. it feels so weird:/ and people who are close to me should know by now tht i dont talk unless im being talked to. (applies only if im alone with 1 person) otherwise, i talk like no tmr(:
okayy. random post:D gtg, night;D