breaking a pretence

Wednesday, October 28, 2009 1:02 AM

One summer, Nate and I- we must have been 8 and 12 or so- set off for the Wyatt cornfields, where we liked to play hide-and-seek . We headed over there on our bikes, and it was a late in the afternoon, maybe early evening. The sun was well on its way to meeting the horizon in a ball of pink-and-crimson fire, the sky still light in that dusky half-glow, in which colors seem richer, subtler.

A group of neighbourhood kids had gathered in the fields, and Benji Tuckerson was "It". He closed his eyes and counted to fifty as we spread out and burrowed beneath the cornstalks, which were fully grown, sprouting a jungle of leafy foliage to camouflage us. I waited, crouched beneath the corn at the most distant corner of the field. I waited and waited.

I listened to the shrieking yelps of laughter as other kids were discovered. I felt smug, congratulating mysekf for finding such a good hiding spot. i heard the singing of the crickets. Still, I waited. Twilight was descending, and the sky turned indigo; I could see the evening star. Soon, the cries of other kids faded, and my chest began to feel tight with panic.

Where had everyone gone? I wondered. Why hadn't Benji found me? Why hadn't I heard the game called? I stood up, and my legs shook from kneeling for so long. I started walking, but shortly realised i wasn't moving toward the barn. Ibecame disorientated and frightened. The cornfield when on for acres, and I couldn't see in the gathering darkness any longer. Tears began to fall from my eyes, and I couldn't catch my breath. I was so scared, I began to run. Suddenly, Nate was there.

"Hey, Squirt! Are you okay?" he asked, his eyes scrunched with worry. "I've been looking for you forever." I just shook my head, sobbing now,and Nate picked me up. Then he carried me out of the maze of corn. "It's okay, i found you," he said. I buried my head in his neck and cried and breathed in his scent, suddenly relishing how safe i felt. How loved.

adapted from a map of the known world by Lisa Ann Sandell
Nate was her brother. He died in a car crash.
She felt safe, loved and protected; just exactly how i'd love to feel.